Quotes

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"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin

"When Hemingway killed himself he put a period at the end of his life. Old age is more like a semicolon."

Kurt Vonnegut

"I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother."

Henny Youngman

"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers."

Homer Simpson

"Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?"

Tom Stoppard, 'Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead'

"You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."

Milton Berle

"At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn't know gave me anything. Even the people I know don't give me anything"

George Wallace

"Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said 'Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?'"

Gilbert Gottfried

"Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves."

Johnny Carson

"The war situation has developed not necessarily to Japan�s advantage."

Emperor Hirohito, in broadcast announcing Japan's WWII surrender

"The large print giveth and the small print taketh away."

Tom Waits

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening."

Homer Simpson

"I think it would be a good idea."

Mahatma Gandhi, asked what he thought of Western civilization

"I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers."

Mahatma Gandhi

"If your head is wax, don't walk in the sun."

Benjamin Franklin

"George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country."

George Carlin

"You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler."

Henny Youngman

"Be thankful for laughter except when milk comes out of your nose."

Steve Martin

"All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work."

Steve Martin

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither."

Steve Martin

"First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me."

Steve Martin

"There is always an easy solution to every human problem -- neat, plausible and wrong."

H.L. Mencken

"Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
Dr. Rumack: I am serious. And don't call me Shirley."

, 'Airplane'

"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way."

Mark Twain

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

Clarence Darrow

"If I had any humility I would be perfect."

Ted Turner

"Two people writing a novel is like three people having a baby."

Evelyn Waugh

"My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already."

Milton Berle

"Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest."

Alexandre Dumas

"I don't know whether I prefer Astroturf to grass. I never smoked Astroturf."

Tug McGraw

"The English have 42 religions, but only two sauces."

Voltaire

"There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."

Oscar Levant

"Unless a man feels he has a good memory, he should never venture to lie."

Montaigne

"Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef."

Tom Robbins

"You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."

Albert Einstein, describing radio

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."

Mark Twain

"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people."

W.C. Fields

"Moe: Eureka! Curly: You don't smell too good yourself."

Three Stooges

"My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August."

Ronnie Shakes

"Nobody beats Vitas Gerulaitis 17 times in a row."

Tennis player Vitas Gerulaitis, after beating Jimmy Connors on his 17th try

"If white people are going to burn down black churches, then black people ought to burn down the House of Blues."

George Carlin

"Look, I'm sick of Bono and I am Bono."

Bono, asked how he felt about alway being in news

"Who are you going to believe? Me, or you own eyes?"

Groucho Marx

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect."

Mark Twain

"Vote early and often."

Al Capone

"A conservative sees a man drowning 50 feet from shore, throws him a 25 foot long rope, and tells him to swim to it. A liberal throws him a rope 50 feet long, then drops his end and goes off to perform another good deed."

Anonymous

"Conservative: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from a Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others."

Ambrose Bierce

"We still have one breath left and we're going to use it."

Doug Mientkiewicz, Red Sox first baseman

"If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error."

John Kenneth Galbraith

"I tell you, I don't get no respect. When I step into an elevator, the attendant looks at me and says, 'Basement?'�"

Rodney Dangerfield

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