Quotes

Next 50 Quotes

"My father didn't pay for parking, my mother, my brother, nobody. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay when, if I apply myself properly, I can get it for free."George Constanza, , Seinfeld

"I spent 50 percent of my money on alcohol, women and gambling. The other half, I wasted."W.C. Fields

"Before I speak, I have something important to say."Groucho Marx

"My life has been a series of tragedies, none of which actually happened."Mark Twain

"People will forgive a short man with a beautiful wife if he seems sufficiently surprised."Adam Gopnik, on Nicholas Sarkozy

"Some people say journalism is in decline, they say you've become too politicized, too focused on sensationalism, they say you no longer honor your duty to inform America but instead actively divide us so that your corporate overlord can rake in the profits ... I don't have a joke for this, it's just what some people say.""Jimmy Kimmel, at White House Correspondents Dinner

"I do not believe I could learn to like her except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight."Mark Twain, about the wife of Portsmouth's Thomas Bailey Aldrich

"The one thing more difficult than following a regimen is not imposing it on others."Marcel Proust

"If a cat spoke, it would say things like 'Hey, I don't see the problem here.'"Roy Blount, Jr.

"Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse."Arthur Baer

"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again."George Miller

"Stuffed deer heads on the wall are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers and ornaments in their antlers -- because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot."Ellen DeGeneres

"It's not what we don't know that hurts us, it's what we know that ain't so."Will Rogers

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."Jerry Seinfeld

"Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset."Stephen Colbert

"It's the 150th anniversary of the start of the Civil War. A new poll found that 23 percent of Americans sympathize with the Confederacy. They are described as 'not African-Americans.'"Conan O'Brien

"[Charles Darwin] got totally hammered, woke up in bed next to a monkey, and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all ok."Stephen Colbert

"Everything is changing ... People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke."Will Rogers

"The first thing I'll do if elected is demand a recount."Kinky Friedman

"My great-grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants."Stephen Colbert

"He lies so much he had to hire someone to call his dog."Unknown

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."Rodney Dangerfield

"Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town."Steve Martin

"No matter where you go, there you are."Buckaroo Banzai

"The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable."James A. Garfield

"You're not too smart, are you? I like that in a man."Kathleen Turner, in Body Heat

"We are going to turn this team around 360 degrees."Jason Kidd, basketball player

"The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good."Robert Graves

"Charm is getting the answer yes without asking a clear question."Albert Camus

"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm."Winston Churchill

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."Robert Frost

"Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet."Chinese Proverb

"You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think."Dorothy Parker, challenged to use 'horticulture' in a sentence

"A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to take it off of you."Fran├žoise Sagan

"A state of doubt is unpleasant, but a state of certainty is ridiculous."Voltaire

"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee."Abraham Lincoln

"Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing, after they have exhausted all other possibilities."Winston Churchill

"People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like."Abraham Lincoln

"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."Benjamin Franklin

"My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, 'All kids smell that way.'"Rodney Dangerfield

"When Hemingway killed himself he put a period at the end of his life. Old age is more like a semicolon."Kurt Vonnegut

"I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother."Henny Youngman

"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers."Homer Simpson

"Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?"Tom Stoppard, 'Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead'

"You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."Milton Berle

"At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn't know gave me anything. Even the people I know don't give me anything"George Wallace

"Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said 'Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?'"Gilbert Gottfried

"Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves."Johnny Carson

"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the West."Rodney Dangerfield

"The large print giveth and the small print taketh away."Tom Waits
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